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Because things didn't go well for you the way you wanted them to, it doesn't mean that you are a failure,sometimes in life we don't get what we want but we get what is best for us, as a new write i know that there'll be so many challenges but I'll rather stick to what makes my world a better place to be. A pain of losing the ones you love is a pain that nobody can heal,like a scope of memories that comes back, knowing that they'll not come back it hurts but maybe they leave us for good purpose but losing someone who took care of you,who sacrifised a lot to make sure that you are alive today it hurts like thorns. When i look at myself i see an orphan, i know how it feels to be one well literally iam not but i don't see a difference between myself and an orphan,sometimes i wish that my grandma whom i knew as my mother was alive to share some of my achievements because of her iam a better person today, her love was so unconditionally but in the eyes of many people in my life iam nobody,iam useless and that hurts because she was proud of me even when i did nothing to her or for her. Around her i was the happiest in the whole wide world, indeed she was my heroine,she always put a smile on my face, now that i have grown up all she did to was the best thing anyone could ever done for me, she brought happiness in my life,one could say that she knew that one day she'll leave this world and never come back atleast not now,after her funeral all she left behind was sorrow and pain because everyone couldn't believe that she's gone. From that day i felt like iam a lost soul and i lived a lie pretending to be happy while i wasn't even happy,in my journey of life I've noticed that people love you when its beneficial to them and even the friends i chose they are far from being like me, we didn't have anything in common and I've noticed that they came into my life to acomplish their mission but i finally recognise that it was too late they were puppet maters while i was their puppet,they betrayed and destroyed our friendship and after that my bestfriend was the bestfriend of my enemy and I've told myself one thing that:your friend's enemy is your enemy i had to walk away and few years ago i met a guy who made me feel special for those few years but along the way i felt bored and lonely in his company and at that time i lived a lie again because i was desperate for love, i lost myself while i was busy trying hard not to lose the one i love because i was ashamed of being called A FAILURE by my friends and family and i thought that he was going to marry me but there were signs that shows he wasn't going to marry me,my life came crashing down i bottled up a lot of anger through the years. I felt cheated,betrayed and used,but mostly not good enough. I thought i was taken for granted buy never expressed that. All of that anger, anxiety and fear buit up overtime and i was living in paralysis. I was afraid that something would go wrong. It was traumatic, these emotions led to my breakdown. I had depression and it was like iam fighting demons on my own, again in the journey of my life, I started wondering how could even talk about being inlove when i didn't love myself. I didn't love myself based on the things that i was doing to myself because i didn't want my friends to see me as a failure and not being good enough for relatioships, i thought being with someone very older than you was a good thing, he was 11 years older than me with 3 kids while i had no kid, i thought he was ready to settle down but i guess he was looking for a young victim and he was a emotional abuser, he used his powers to make me do things iam not proud of, he controled my life and nobody knew that except calling me a failure, laughing at me, well it was hard for me, while i was busy fighting to save my relationship, i lost myself-esteem and became a bad person while he was called a saint and i cried days and nights but he was too busy to defend himself and its hurts me even more because each time i try to reach out to him, he compared me with his ex it hurts me because i was emotionally bruised and everything around me became bad and i pretended to be happy while i knew that i wasn't. I lost my confidence as woman. At times like this my grandma's memory kept me alive physically but spiritually dead because i believed when people say to me i will never find a right person ever in myself but it cut like a knife when those words comes from your family, those who should be too supportive and i guess again i lied to myself that's when i saw their real personalities, i learnt to stand on my own, with nobody's help because not everyone is there to help you....!